Five Phrases To Convince Your Friends You Know Something About Beer
Finally, after over a year of social distancing inside, social activity has finally become cool again. Soon, extroverts and introverts alike will take to the streets and enjoy the bars, parties, and bingo nights we have all so sorely missed since the coronavirus became the de facto strict parent who wants you to finish your homework before hanging out with your friends.
Imagine: you’ve put on your Sunday’s best, orchestrated a night out with your buddies, and read countless articles about re-integrating into civilization after being trapped on a deserted island (there’s gotta be some useful advice there, right?). You look at your phone and your heart drops into your stomach when you read that you'll be linking up with your friends at a brewery.
Your breath turns shallow as your knowledge of beer is zero. You start to panic, how are you going to impress all your Brooklyn transplant friends when you don’t know a stout from a pilsner?
Your fears can subside as we've put together 5 surefire phrases to convince your friends that you have vast knowledge of beer (even though you’re more partial to cider and seltzers)....
1. “I Hear They Just Renovated their Taproom”
It’s been months since you stepped foot in a bar, and odds are if you’re reading this, you’ve hardly (if ever) been inside a brewery. One thing about most taprooms is that they are never truly complete. Any good brewery is in a constant state of flux, and even if you frequent a particular taproom, odds are the space is undergoing improvements. The reason is rarely something cool like opening up the space for increased occupancy or money laundering. Most likely, the ambiance doesn’t fit on any given day for the proprietor and it just HAS to be re-done. If you use this phrase, your friends will think you’re a regular brewery crawler and you must know your stuff.
2. “This Place Has a Really Good IPA”
You’ve made it inside, mentioned the new renovations that probably happened recently, and you’re looking at the wide selection of fresh brews on tap. Wow, there are so many options, how are you ever going to convince anyone you know about beer when you don’t even know how to pronounce anything on the chic chalkboard they use as a menu? No worries, just mention the quality of the IPAs. If it’s a niche craft beer focused brewery, they’re bound to have an IPA to satisfy their tweed-clad clientele. Furthermore, you’ll appear to have the palette and constitution that’s able to handle the hoppiest, strongest variant of beer available at most breweries. After uttering this (smugly) to your crew, you’ll look like Sam Adams himself (minus all the revolutionary war stuff).
3. “You Can Tell They Put A lot of Thought into What Hops They Used”
Hops: The cornerstone of beer. Even if it isn’t particularly hoppy, hazy, or good, they had to have used SOME kind of hops to brew this, right? After you confirm that your friends are drinking what must be a beer, mention the quality of the hops when an awkward silent moment presents itself. If your friends seem un-enthusiastic, throw in that they probably didn’t age/toast/nurture the hops prior to the brewing process. If they’re into it, say that they DID age/toast/love each batch of hops before turning it into the intimidating beverage that sits before you. If you play your cards right, your group will think that you not only know what a good beer tastes like, but you actually have a clue about the process that goes into brewing beer (but you’ll know).
4. “That’s Robust”
If you made it this far, your friends are asking about your latest home brewing projects as you clutch a beer you hope no one has noticed you haven't even tried. Unfortunately, your friend’s new boyfriend has insisted you taste the dark, inky-looking porter he ordered. He may have even mentioned that he ordered it specifically because they just tapped a new keg. Everyone is looking at you expectantly, and your mind is drawing a blank on excuses. Take a deep breath, and try not to grimace as you let the sip past your lips. Before anyone can call you out for your revolting reaction, mention the robust flavor of the beer. It’s a general enough term to make people think you know how to describe the flavor, but vague enough to make your friends feel self-conscious for having no idea what you’re talking about.
5. “I Forgot To Mention, I’m Gluten-Free Now”
This is your out. You love beer, sure, but you care about your microbiome and you’re really trying for those washboard abs, for real this year. Being gluten-free is undoubtedly cool, and gives the illusion that any excess carbs could lead to catastrophic health consequences if you take one more sip of beer. Odds are, your friends won’t dare question this health decision, lest they be subjected to endless BuzzFeed articles about the negative effects of wheat in their diets. If they have a gluten-free beer, say you’re “too committed to the craft” as a contingency plan.
If you followed our advice accordingly, you’ll seem like a craft beer aficionado without having to take a single sip. After you’ve said your goodbyes and made it out of your pals line of sight, be sure to visit TapRm to buy a six-pack of ciders to drink with other like-minded individuals (or by yourself when your craft beer loving roommates aren’t home).